Always Tell What You Can

I had an easy pregnancy.  I felt tired, very slightly nauseous, gained weight, felt movement, went to the bathroom a lot, got huge, it was pretty great.  

I had a couple of the signs of preeclampsia, including high blood pressure, headaches, swelling, and some significant sudden weight gain.  I did not have protein in my urine, so the midwife would tell me to take it easy and put my feet up more.  Each time my blood pressure was elevated, she would ask me, “Do you have any pain under your ribs on your right side?”  Each time I answered no.  I did have an uncomfortable feeling under my ribs, but I thought that it was the baby’s butt pushing up.  It was uncomfortable, but not what I would call painful.  At different times, I thought it was weird that I was having this feeling and he was sideways in my belly.  For some reason, it wasn’t concerning enough to me.

I had this same feeling when I was pushing during labor, again I thought it was his butt or feet or something.  My midwife knew different though.  Later when we were talking about my baby’s birth, she told me that when she saw me push on that spot, that she knew we had to get the baby out, and fast.  

Apparently “pain” is subjective, but this uncomfortable feeling was a significant symptom that wasn’t dealt with because I didn’t know what the butt on the ribs felt like! I always brought a list of questions/concerns to my appointments, but I never brought this one up.  It was on there a few times, sometimes the area felt like a soft spot and sometimes it felt like there was a rock in there!

Moral of this story?  Tell your midwife/doctor about anything you think is weird or uncomfortable.  It might be something serious or it might be nothing at all, but your midwife/doctor cannot do anything about it if they don’t know what’s going on.

Things always to say to pregnant women/new moms:

There were some comments that people said during my pregnancy and new motherhood that should be repeated to every pregnant woman and new mom.  These comments are encouraging, which is the place we want to stay when talking to someone so doped up on hormones!  Ha! 

“You look great!”

-This is always a good one, especially needed when feeling huge or after having the baby and not getting enough sleep.

“You are going to be such a good mother.”

-Most pregnant women are questioning whether or not they are going to be a good mom, this reassuring comment is wonderful.

“How are you feeling?”

-It’s nice to know someone cares about you.

“Is there anything I can do/get for you?”

-If you have suggestions (get you water, put something away, make a meal, buy something), that’s even better.

“You’ve lost the weight so fast!” 

-I loved when people noticed this, it made me feel more back-to-normal.  It’s nice to hear, even when you know it’s just been a few pounds.  Someone else noticing this is so uplifting.  Another variation, “I can’t believe you had a baby!  You look so good!”

“Can I get the door for you?”

-Always a nice one.  Sometimes maneuvering a big belly or diaper bag/car seat is difficult, not having to worry about opening the door is such a help.

“Your baby is beautiful.”

-Who doesn’t want to hear that something they made is beautiful?

“You are a great mom.”

-One of the highest compliments I have received (yes, I tear up every time).  It is also reassuring at times when I feel like a mess and that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Compare it to telling someone they are good at their job, when their job is one of the most important things to them.

Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman:

Sometimes people aren't thinking, sometimes they are just plain rude.  Here's a small list of things to avoid saying to a pregnant woman, some of which were said to me, some of which I was scared someone would say to me, and things I've heard said to other people.  Apparently common sense is lost on some...

“You’re so much bigger than the last time I saw you!”

-If one more person would have said that to me, I was going to come back with, “So have you!” and see how that would go.  Lucky for others, no one said it after I thought of that.

"Wow, you're showing really early!"

-Um, hello.  Why don't you just call her fat and get it over with?  Saying "You have a cute baby bump" is okay, but wait until it's really out there.

"I didn't have to wear maternity clothes until I was 6 months pregnant, you're wearing them already?"

-Yeah, I don't think that lady was thinking.  It wasn't said to me, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to tell her off for my friend!  And, anyway, maternity clothes are super comfortable, it's like wearing sweatpants but everyone thinks you're wearing jeans.  Beautiful.

“Are you sure you’re not having twins?”

-Don’t you think she would have found that out by 30 weeks?!  You’re just telling her that she is really big, which isn’t awesome to hear when you’re feeling like a giant blimp anyway.

“You look like you’re going to pop!”

-Again with the whole “you’re huge” issue.  She probably wishes that the baby was out by now if she’s that big.  Don’t make it worse by pointing that out.

“You still haven’t had the baby?!” (after the due date)

-Hormones, uncomfortable-ness, pain from carrying so much weight, thanks for pointing out that obvious thing.  Just ask how she’s feeling and if there’s anything you can do for her instead.

“You’re really carrying the weight well!”

-Is that supposed to be a compliment or are you just saying that I’m really fat?

“I’m too much of a planner to not find out the sex.” or any other opinions about not finding out the sex

-What I’m hearing is that because I don’t find out the sex, I’m not really planning for my baby.  I really am planning, but I want to experience this surprise in life.  It was awesome to find out what sex my baby was after he was born.  Awesome.  

If you want to tell me that you are a control freak and need to micromanage your planning, that’s fine.

“Oh, I have bad memories with someone with that name.” or any other opinions that are not positive about names

-We didn’t share any name options because of this (and it was another part of the surprise).  The only exception is if you are really close to this pregnant lady and she genuinely wants your opinion.  Even then, tread lightly.

Yep, I was big, but you didn't need to tell me that!

The Real Deal Guide To Pregnancy

The Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy : fresh and practical advice for navigating the next nine months 

by Erika Lenkert

I read this book before we even started trying to get pregnant.  It was a fast read, as it reads more like a girlfriend talking with you.  I think it gave real information about what happens during pregnancy, physical and emotional.  

This book sets up the expectations for pregnancy to a realistic standard.  Even the easiest pregnancies can have weird happenings.  After reading this book, it’s nice to see that some things I thought were odd were semi-normal things.

This was the main book I read about pregnancy, as sometimes too much information is overwhelming and causes more stress than needed.  This book had just enough information that I felt informed, but not anxious about what would be happening to me.