by Pamela Druckerman
First off, I loved this book.
Excellent book about an American mother observing and researching French parenting while living in Paris. It is interesting to me to learn about other cultures and of course, I love reading anything about parenting. The French have babies that sleep through the night by three months, eat all kinds of foods, are polite to people and respectful of their parents. I found myself agreeing with most all of what the French do in their parenting and the reasoning behind it.
One of the first things I loved in the book was what the author calls “The Pause.” Instead of rushing to baby when the baby cries, the French listen to determine what the cry is for. During sleep, this means giving baby some time to learn how to transition between sleep cycles. During non-sleep times, French parents watch and observe why the baby might be crying-hunger, dirty diaper, needs a cuddle. I did this with Emmett pretty early on and I think that it is the reason that he cried very little the first night I didn’t go into his room overnight, he just needed a few more minutes to fall back asleep.
The French view this as the beginning of teaching their child patience in waiting. They view waiting as a cornerstone of raising kids. Waiting can be frustrating as a kid, but it is a very important skill to teach them. We should not mistake this frustration as bad parenting, but as a stepping stone to building happier, more resilient people. Caroline Thompson, a family psychologist in Paris, says, “If the parent can’t stand the fact of being hated, then he won’t frustrate the child, and then the child will be in a situation where he will be the object of his own tyranny, where basically he has to deal with his own greed and his own need for things. If the parent isn’t there to stop him, then he’s the one who’s going to have to stop himself or not stop himself, and that’s much more anxiety-provoking” (pages 74-75).
The philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau said, “Do you know the surest means of making your child miserable? It is to accustom him to getting everything. Since his desires grow constantly due to the ease of satisfying them, sooner or later powerlessness will force you, in spite of yourself, to end up with a refusal. And this unaccustomed refusal will give him more torment than being deprived of what he desires” (page 84).
The book often mentions the French cadre--or frame--for the French model of parenting. This basically means that the parents are very strict about certain things but within those limits are very relaxed, a firm frame surrounding a lot of freedom.
The French don’t dole out praise about everything the way Americans do. I totally believe that positive reinforcement works in behavior modification, but I think we take it to an extreme. What used to be called the “loser bracket” in a tournament is now called the “friendship bracket” as someone thought that kids would feel bad about having lost, therefore going to the “loser” bracket. Kids get ribbons and trophies just for participating. Even one of the 10-year-old girls that I coached last summer said something to the effect of, “Why are we getting a trophy, we didn’t even win one game.”
French parents don’t feel the need to give praise for every picture drawn, every bite eaten, every word spoken, every right answer. The author concedes, “I’m starting to suspect that French parents may be right in giving less praise. Perhaps they realize that those little zaps of pleasure kids get each time a grown-up says ‘good job’could--if they arrive too often--simply make kids addicted to positive feedback. after a while, they’ll need someone else’s approval to feel good about themselves. And if kids are assured of praise for whatever they do, then they won’t need to try very hard. They’ll be praised anyway” (page 254).
This is a book I would recommend for anyone to read, especially those who deal with babies and children.
